Ambigender. paths travelled, puzzles solved, questions unanswered, concerns

Its been a while since I made a post specifically on Ambigender/Mixed Gender.

With the recent posts about acceptance gender wise got me thinking about ambigendered.

I really am a boy, a girl, and mixed. I love many things about masculinity and being male. I love many things about femininity and being female. And I love androgyny and being intersexed (none genetic, modified) , mixed, androgynous.

Hatred to my genetic sex is not something I experience, nor any regret to the past that I had. I do regret the separation and denial of my total self that I experienced from age 12 ish to 21. Those 9 years of trying only to be male, and eradicate femininity and androgyny were horrendous. Its not that I hate being male, rather I hate being just male. Maybe its good I experienced those years, being that it has helped me to realize how important my gender is to me, and being caged in; imprisoned.

Many tears fell. Many steps walked with my head down. Anger and pain pushed inside.

I have never imagined, wanted, nor desired to live in total femininity or being a female. I have only spent a vacation week as a female (I dont mean the female image pics I took back when I was studying cosmetology that are sometimes used in my avatar, or on a website) going out and about. That felt as wrong as the 9 years of exclusive male-hood.

Having accepted the gender (s) inside me is something that happened in a major way (that realization and facing/confrontation) in the therapist in college, with Bowerman. Without her help I can only imagine what I would be like today now being more than double those 9 years (would be 11 more years, for a total of 20 years) of loss of identity, being only half. The past 11 and especially the past 4 years, have been wonderful, on an identity level.

Relationship wise, I had decided at the beginning of my current relationship to lay it 'on the table up front'. I did not want to be with someone that didnt know, didnt accept, or wasnt attracted to the real me. I didnt to even think about trying to "change" someone , which I know doesnt work. I had to jump through her questions and fears such as "are you a serial killer, are you going to have a sex change, do you like men, do you want breasts, what else do you want? and her own orientation questions. "And also took a while trying to figure if she was attracted to one that felt and was both genders. Even though verbally I had been up front with my identity, she had to "see it for herself". And judge later how she felt. Although she had misunderstandings, occassional fear, and some bumps we are currently ok. And many discussions we have had on what it means on interactively, intimately, and romantically. As well as our financial, roles, and expectations/demands.

I face other problems now, although denial of gender identity and relationship gender issues are not part of the problems. though other things and issues arrise because of these very acceptances.

Social constraint problems is something I face. Fears of violence, loss of job, and confronting anti-androgyne people. Thats why I post andi-androgyne statements and writings. And the post about gender equality and fears. Hoping others comments can help in the confrontation or dealing with those one sided intolerance. I live in a very vocal southern baptist town.

A year ago I faced Coming-Out to others. Family, friends, and coworkers. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, considering all of the false assumptions, fears, imaginary reactions, and inability to confront that had prevented my sharing with them in the first place. Although I lived in acceptance of self world, I had built blocks and defenses to reveal myself or any part that I denied to others. Family happened with much less 'problems' then I had imagined. Only a little of my mother's religion.

I still get the "why cant you just be a artistic feminine man" from my mom from time to time.

And a little of my oldest brothers seemingly apprehension. And once 2 people in my family knew, suddenly I found out they told everyone else. Like dominos falling down a maze.

Friends and coworkers was much harder.

I got everything from acceptance to misunderstanding of "how is being gay or transsexual different from how you feel". And a few that didnt care nor want to hear about it.

I dont know if they accept me, but at least they know now. And I no longer face the imaginary feeling and fear of being 'discovered' and my false fears that I had of imaginary horrendous future. And the self pain I felt from knowing 'they' didnt know the real me.

More recently I am focused on the new issues that I face such as the social constraints (real or imagined). And I face them on a ambigendered / mixed gender basis from the position of not just being nor accepting but now emphasising.

My other hobbies interests such as art, writing, sewing, jewelry (fashion/cosmetology), music suddenly seem to be seen in new light, or a old light, but more grown up newer way. I put emotion and part of myself into my arts. Books that I read seem to have different emphasis now at my older age.

I feel more socially and politically active. I even see religion in a different light. I guess there has been a different social adjustment since publically coming out. The way I interact with others is changing. Communication, activities, and saying 'No' to things that aren't right. I would like to find ways to help in the gender equality and gender politics.

My mixed biology/body feels right.

Anyway, this is one perspective from a mixed gendered person.

Feel free to comment, critic, or ask anything

Standing unbound in the field.

Ken / Kendra

 

Hi glad to be here.
Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 8:03 pm

---

Hi all.
I will try Kendall at this forum. At the other forum you may know me as Ken/Kendra or KK.

I am 35 years old Androgyne living in Mississippi. I was born in Seattle, and grow up in Washington state most my life however. I live with my partner of 4 years, Elaine.

When I was really young, at age four, I was a very non-gendered person. I did not see a difference between girls and boys. I allowed myself to behave and think in my own ways.

Being in a large family, getting away from the authoritive figures was easy. My father was always working. My mother was stay at home, always cooking, doing crafts, and raising babies.

Being the fourth child, fourth boy in a row, was sorta menacing. My mother said I was very sickly and had to be on medicine and receive constant care, even at early ages.

My childhood friends consisted of the neighbors living close by. I can remember sever girls next door. And a boy across the street who had autism.

In my mind I thought gender was a choice. I began to see myself as in between. A girlie boy.

Gender Identity problems emerged really at age 12 in 7th grade. I can remember that it was in the boy's lockerroom for Physical Education, when I started to really feel out of place.

I even started checking for breasts to emerge. Puberty created a few month period where my breasts slightly enlarged. Sadly for me it deflated. It was at this time that I began to long to have an intersexed like body. I had never seen anyone have one, but thats how I saw myself.

I felt the need or compelled to hide my feminine and masculine behavior and personality, despite not having problems with it the prior years. I felt split in two, then locked in a box. I sorta became boring and without feelings.

I started to Crossdress at this time too. I dont know why this happened. But I found feminine clothing as well as ultra masculine clothing very distant, yet exciting. I was afraid to wear either in public. In public I was just another body in a room of people. Nothing special, but very forgettable. I just lived to get by without thought.

High school, I was an artist. I took Fashion Illustration where I excelled to advanced classes, and solo study projects. I also took up ceramics and various art mediums. My senior year also ended with receiving the art department Senior artist of the year, American Legion award.

College brought my gender feelings to full front. There was no hiding anymore. I checked into the psychology clinic. Where we discussed various topics leading to my feelings that were baried away, of not being able to allow myself to be gender restricted free. To break the vary chains that my own self, perceived through my experiences of social interactions, had erected and smothered.

This period was a very emotional time in my life. I had to learn how to even identify "what" what I was feeling. Instead of the muffled weak emotions I had allowed myself to feel, I was feeling real, strong, unhindered emotions from good to sad. And pain.

My psychologist showed me I could be in between genders. I could be the person that I was meant to be. And feel really good about it.

After 10 years of allowing myself to be the Androgyne identity (which I didnt call it that, rather I referred to it as masculine/feminine mixed), I started really feeling the need to not hide it anymore. Up to that point only the psychologist and a few girlfriends had known about how I felt. I decided to start trying androgynous expressions and coming out to others.

Coming out was hard, and I did this first to my mother, who told my whole family, then close fiends, then coworkers.

I got my ears pierced which I always wanted. I grew my nails out long which I had always bitten. Suddenly I stopped instantly biting my nails. They grew really long. I wore wigs out a few times. I dressed in pink shirts. I wore androgynous pants. I tried a lot of things.

The last two years I have really learned a lot about gender and various aspects of gender.

HRT was another part of me that I know was meant for me. This has been deeply satisfying for me. I finally have a body more in sync with my mind and emotions.

My relationship is very equal. I play masculine and feminine parts in the relationship.

My communication style is very masculine, though I know in theory at least what feminine style is.

Well enough for now,

Kendall

Is there any aspect to it that you feel is better in terms of the mental feeling as opposed to the physical changes?

Not sure if you mean post therapy where I allowed my mental freedom, or HRT if you are referring to any mental feelings results from taking them. I will answer the first, post therapy, in my response.

In my opinion. The mental aspects were where the root of my problems arrose in the first place. Not allowing myself to think naturally, rather trying to force my thinking.

At this point today, its harder and harder to separate physical from mental. I include in physical even actions and decisions that materialize into reality. And also aspects of social influence and relations.

During the period from my college discovery up to my "physical" period was almost entirely mental, minus a few crossdressing periods.

Instant release from depression concerning my self conflict of holding in, punishing myself, and making myself numb is one thing that I first exprienced and still feel today concerning my gender. I was depressed sitting in my dorm, at the library, or at the japanese garden pondering my miserable existence.

Increase in self-esteem also happened, because I valued my life more. I had felt kinda fake, ashamed, and like I had done something wrong. Almost like I was a bad person. I value my life, needs, wants, and thoughts now more. I am a good person, ...most the time lol.

Numbing emotions to me was something that I had done greatly from age 12 to 21. I had to learn what even basic emotions that I "felt" were. For example: What was sadness and what did it feel like? I felt sadness when my friend from Japan went back home. And that it was ok to be sad because that being sad meant something. That I had lost something that I really wanted. I had to learn what happiness was, anger, fear, confusion. And allow myself to feel them , without trying to hide them.

I had only felt some of these in my art and creative endeavors, and the brief crossdressing periods. Maybe thats why I could harness pretty good creative energy. From that internal misery, confusion, and pain.

At age 12 through 21 when a thoughts would come in my head that really scared me, because I was afraid that feeling such thing was wrong for a boy/young man my age. This concept is what my family had taught me. I can remember my grandmother, a very religious person, telling me how she hoped that my future would be, and what type of person I would hopefully be. I wanted dearly the chance to become that person, and gain some respect or praise from her.

I can't make others happy be being something I am not.

My thoughts have the right to exist and they are valid, important and autonomous.

Liking and disliking, as long as I dont cause someone intentional harm, are a personal freedom.

Does that answer that question or where you referring to the hormones themselves changes of my mental feelings? If so I can answer that also.